Good manners and pride

Good manners and pride lead us to reduce some of the horrible things we go through, and the ones around us minimize it too, perhaps to make us feel better about it, or because they don’t know what else to say. There is some good in that theory because we can’t sit around crying all the time. Maybe your boyfriend dumps you, or you break up mutually, and everybody assures you that you’re better off, and you’ll find a better guy in no time, and it’s a blessing in disguise. You go through a  divorce, and your heart breaks, or you lose someone you love some other way, and you swear you’re fine because it’s just too awkward or agonizing to admit that you’re sitting at home, weeping every night, and think that your world will never be the same again. And everyone will tell you that it’s better sooner than later, and a great thing that you didn’t lose more time. You lose a job, and everyone says you’ll find a much better one that uses all your talents, and once again we say we’re well when you’re wondering how the hell you’re to pay the rent.

Dignity makes us swear that we’re “fine,” and that’s not entirely a bad thing. Because the world doesn’t come to an end when something bad happens, and hopefully something good will happen after that. We must remember that after the storm, the sun comes out again. Many of us rarely admit how dazed we are by the bad stuff happening to us. Not too long ago, I was let down by people I trusted and dealt with the situations wisely and calmly, and I worked hard to not appear upset by it, although I was.

I shared both experiences with a friend, not wanting to make a big deal of it and she looked at me saying: “Oh, my God, that is awful!” She totally understood how upset I was, even more than I did. And surprisingly, I felt okay to admit it, and not just try to be grown up and polite about it. I come from a European background where you just don’t confess how upset you are, and you deal with it gently and graciously. My friend said that it sucked, and I had to laugh because it did suck, and it was horrifying, and all of a sudden I didn’t have to assure anyone that I was well. I am fine, but I was offended for a while.

We don’t always have to be well-mannered and tell the ones closest to us that we’re fine, and what they did wasn’t so awful. It was healing to hear my friend confirm my feelings and the experiences. She was absolutely right that it sucked. Sometimes things that happen are terrible, and it’s okay to say it. And hearing someone I respect say that made me feel so much better.

In conclusion, we don’t always have to say we’re fine if we’re not and maybe we should tell the people who upset us how much they upset us and held them be accountable for it. It’s okay not to be okay. And I believe that admitting it when things are lousy, even if for a moment, helps us to be fine in the end, and maybe a lot faster if we say “this sucks” instead of “I’m fine.”

Love,

Carmen Monica